Introduction

I am a man who, for better or worse, has to categorize films. My categories do often include genre, but they also transcend that. For example, Red One has many similarities to another film, Red Notice. They both star Dwayne Johnson with at least one another blockbuster friendly actor. They both were meant for streaming and they both cost an insane amount of money. And like Red Notice, Red One isn’t great. Actually, it’s the equivalent of what we would call “suicide soda” growing up: it has every flavor of the day mixed in and comes out as something dreadful.

Synopsis

Red One is the story of Santa’s bodyguard, Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson). Drift has lost his Christmas spirit because he can no longer see the good in people. Before he tenders his resignation, Santa (JK Simmons) is kidnapped. He then has to work with a level 4 naughty lister, Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans), and the head of a mythical enforcement squad, Zoe Harlow (Lucy Lui) to get attempt to get him back. Shenanigans ensue.

Review

First, we need to address what this movie tries to do, tonally. It tries so hard to be earnest and attempts to pull at the heartstrings. Unfortunately, it fails in almost every instance, mostly because it goes off the rails in goofiness so many times. The stakes never feel real, and maybe that’s the problem. It certainly makes me appreciate the mostly seamless way that Marvel films are able to shift tones.

Speaking of Marvel, this movie almost certainly wants to join that club. I actually think that Marvel might have grounds to sue, because the North Pole looks almost exactly like a frozen Asgard from the Thor films. And to top that off, it’s guarded by a Black Panther force field. And it actually has brilliant effects, better than many recent superhero flicks. They certainly spared no expensive when it comes to production value.

Another “genre” that it tries to be, is Fast and Furious. The action is cartoonish in every aspect, with my daughter and me laughing at how ridiculous some of it was. I get that Johnson is an action star and that the movie is a “fantasy,” but why is it so hard to make action at least somewhat realistic? Oddly, the mythology and world building are actually decent and the only aspect of the film that worked.

The performances are the best you’re going to get with such a terrible script. Honestly, it’s really fascinating how earnest the actors are in their performances. They are all making an insane amount of money for it (the budget is upwards of $250 million), so I suppose they felt the need to deliver.

The Bottom Line

Red One feels like it was made by committee. It tries to be several different things but doesn’t succeed at any of them. Despite great production value and big stars, the stakes never feel real. It’s one to wait for streaming.